Body confidence and IBD - Part 2

She's backkkk. This time, though, I want to talk about everything I've overcome since being diagnosed and everything I've realised about body confidence and learning your self worth as an individual, not just as someone who has a chronic condition.

2018 & A levels

Genuinely felt a chill thinking back to the dreaded months leading up to A levels *shudder*. For anyone reading this who has THAT this year you've got this; just get it done; make it worth it and here's a secret...the first year of uni is bloody easy in comparison (speaking from an Arts perspective don't @ me if you're applying for Medicine) and it's so worth all of it. In case I hadn't dropped enough of a hint, I didn't have the smoothest ride when I did my exams. I had maintained my weight pretty well during the first half of the year, only for the stress of exams to cause to flare up, lose it again and give me the biggest iron deficiency crash I've had in the middle of my exam period. Napping is part of uni culture now so to see someone with their head on a desk asleep at 2pm is standard but, in sixth form, when you black out during the day and the staff won't let you drive home after your exam until they've plied you with sugary tea and cake (massive thank you for that), you know you've made it to a new level of too tired to function.

The thing is though, through all this, my confidence in myself and how I felt about my appearance and my body never got lost. I would literally be rocking up to sixth form in what resembled pyjamas and the same two pairs of dance leggings four days of the week: no makeup but no care in the world how other people saw or perceived me. Now, whether this was just because I was either 1) too god damn stressed to notice and care or 2) literally too drained to have the effort to think about myself, I don't know. I highly suspect they had a little to do with it but even so, I felt like me and this time, crucially, I didn't feel weak or worthless because I was ill. That's the important part.

SUMMER 2018

Things started picking up as I got my flare up under control. I went on holiday to Paris and felt good about my body for the first time in a while. I felt (and I'm physically cringing as I type this TRUST ME) pretty; worthy of wearing short summer clothes, dresses, low cut tops and appreciating the fact I looked good in them. There is nothing better than looking in a mirror and just actually being like "you look damn good today, go get 'em girl".

For some reason as I'm writing this the opening montage from Devil Wears Prada comes to mind and yes, yes that is the level of 'got my sh*t together' that I want to feel every morning. I'll let you in on a secret...I have been known to put on the montage music if I either have something really important that day, like an interview, or if I'm struggling to function as a human and need next level motivation. Watch the video. Listen to the song. Try it. Trust me. Here you go.

Bringing us back to the journey I fully strayed from there, I also started to accept that I will always struggle to put on weight and that really, that aside, I needed to start appreciating what I have and how I look rather than always setting myself goals which get extended and extended so I can never quite achieve them. Don't get me wrong it's great to have ambition but make sure it's actually achievable and don't let your goals take priority over the everyday you because, let's be honest, you're still amazing even if you do or don't achieve them. I stopped exercising to reach a certain body type and started to exercise for my own benefit to fit to my own standards and within my own limits. Finally, over summer, I STOPPED WEIGHING MYSELF. I ditched the scales and now I judge my body entirely on how I look and feel in myself, not by a number or the amount of squats I can do...

AND ONTO UNI

There's something about meeting so many new people that makes you re-appreciate how different people are and how there is not one type of body to have and to aim for. This gave me such a boost when I went to uni and I can genuinely say that I know my body now. I can tell if I need to bulk up on carbs and try and get some weight on for health reasons but the only pressure I feel is from myself and I just try to be KIND to myself. You have to be kind to yourself. Tell yourself that you are enough as you are. Not in a lazy way but in a way that allows you to love what you have.

My skin gave me some confidence issues in the recent months, but its been so much easier to cope with how I feel now, compared to if I had had it a year ago. I got bad hormonal acne for a few months as a result of changing a type of un-IBD related medication because the first type stopped working when my Crohn's flared. Now I've changed my medication type again, it's cleared up unbelievably fast and I'm so grateful. I still have a lot of scarring on my cheeks which is something I've never had to deal with before but, at the same time, I know for a fact it's not affecting me in a way in which it would have done even just 6 months before now.

I think it just goes to show how so much in having confidence in your appearance is mental, rather than physical. For anyone with any sort of medical condition, be it mental OR physical, there's this fine line between "I should love my body no matter what I weigh or look like" and "I need to be aware of it and maintain it for health reasons", which leaves you with the sense that body confidence does entirely come from within. How my body looks is always going to be somewhat down to my condition. Even if I get toned as hell, its only because my body is calm and healthy enough to allow me to exercise. My body will always represent my condition but my body isn't just a container for my condition and something I have to look after and monitor. My body isn't failing, its fighting.

*dramatic pause because I got really passionate about that for a minute*

So, to sum up. WATCH THE MONTAGE - and the movie if you've somehow lived under a rock since the millennium. I'm serious, it's a needed life experience.

Montage aside though, I really hope this post and its prior has been able to reach both people with IBD and without. I'm so grateful that I've been able to share my story with you guys and I really hope you all know I mean what I say and I am genuinely happy in my body right now which is the best feeling and I wish it for all of you.

If you're a reader with a form of Crohn's or Colitis, I hope this has supported, or maybe even helped, how you deal with your own body image when it can be so unpredictable, particularly if you've had surgery because I can't even imagine how much of an overwhelming change that could bring to your body image and self presentation. I follow so many inspiring people on Instagram that deal with it in an INCREDIBLE WAY. To name just a few: @billieanderson @amberostomy @wheresmystomy and the gorgeous @hannahwitton!!

If you don't have IBD though, it doesn't make you any less entitled to worry about body confidence: everyone deserves to know their own self worth and although I can't fix every problem in the world I can tell you right now that you're bloody incredible, your body is amazing, you deserve to be appreciated for what you have and finally, you look DAMN GOOD today and everyday.

XXX