Body confidence and IBD - Part 1

What do you do when your body starts changing without your control? There's not a lot you can do but there are ALWAYS things you can remind yourself of.

I didn't really know what these were when I first started dealing with this and so this post is for all my fellow IBD sufferers who are either going through this for the first time, or struggling with confidence in a body that doesn't quite feel like yours. I don't want this to just be for people with Crohn's or Colitis though. This is for everyone. We all have bodies and with 73% of young people feeling their appearance affects their body image, I think we all could appreciate them a little bit more if we were given the right encouragement.

PRE-DIAGNOSIS: 2016 (a backstory if you like)

I have always been 'skinny' and it has always been a word I despise, even in a complimentary way. I have also always eaten enough food for two people and from the day I started eating solids I have had a 'hollow leg'. (Aka everyone thinks you don't eat enough and then watch you eat an adult meal, 2 puddings and a snack 20 minutes later only to exclaim how they "don't know where it goes!".) This continued into school years: lots of food but no weight gain. It actually got to the point that a member of staff at my school was so worried about me that she investigated the possibility of me being anorexic. To clarify, I wasn't and never have been but that wasn't the most confidence inducing conversation to have with someone... More or less accepting that I had 'my dad's figure' as my mum would put it, - a tall rectangle - I came out the other side of any self esteem issues I had dealt with in my mid-teen years (not a fun time for anyone let's be honest) and felt like I had a new start and a new perspective with sixth form. I got really into fashion at this point, new short hair cut, different makeup looks for different days - I was a TRANSFORMED WOMAN and I was in a pretty good place body confidence wise even though I only just weighed 8 stone.

Yes, my BMI said I was underweight but I would like to take this time to declare that measuring your BMI is utter BS. It doesn't take into consideration fat verses muscle percentage anyway but also, your body confidence should NOT be dictated by a number. I will always repeat this. We endure enough constraints in society without having to place ourselves into numerical categories that determine if we are good enough or not.

Then it got rather scary rather quickly. I lost a stone in two weeks the Christmas before my diagnosis for no apparent reason. I was eating my body weight - no pun intended - in cheese and chocolate and yet my body had other ideas entirely. I was at this point that, not out of choice, I had to take note of the numbers on the scales. My health continued to go downhill but what I didn't expect was my self confidence to fall down with it. If I'm being entirely honest, my health spiralled and so did I. I was losing weight, losing energy and losing sight of the fact that, actually, none of this was my fault? It wasn't down to my actions. It was purely my body not functioning properly and, for anyone here with IBD, to blame yourself for that it just as similar to blaming someone with a physical disability for their appearance. Not all disabilities are visible is a campaign being pushed for a reason!!

DIAGNOSIS: 2017

In terms of my health, this was the worst flare up I've had and it lasted about 4 months until I got an official diagnosis and put on medication. Hand in hand with that, this was the time I struggled with my body confidence the most, undoubtedly. Trying to find reason for it and put these reasons into writing is quite difficult as, of course, everyone's journey with how they view themselves is so, so varying. For me? It was all about change and comparison and a sort of paradox I managed to trap myself in. My body was physically changing in the fact I had lost more weight and I didn't have the ability to put it back on or help myself without the knowledge or medication I needed. While I was closely monitored, weight wise, and told I need rest, I was left to my own devices and there's something so impatiently easy to carry on with a comparing, social media driven, goal orientated mindset. My body is going through all these changes but my mental state hadn't budged an inch: I was still in the frame of mind to push myself; to achieve my goals; to put the weight back on; to get fit again... This is not an unhealthy state of mind, until you pair it with a situation whereby you can't push your body. You have to stop. That's the hard part: accepting this is your new body and may be for a long time.

Moving forward, my relationship with my body became a sort of association with how I felt in myself. If I felt ill I would in the mirror and saw my reflection as almost clarification of this? I associated me looking pale and tired to being ill, which we all do when we feel a bit under the weather and a good concealer and mascara can fix this usually, but I then started doing the same with my body. I associated being thin with being weak and needing to cover it as you would with bags under your eyes (We're all students - whether your under eye bags are Chanel or Lidl they're there haha). Overall, I was very much in the mindset of comparison which is so unhealthy, Particularly when your body isn't like everybody else's - this case in the sense it literally doesn't function like a 'normal person's' does.

I was having a think earlier (there's something rare) and if I could go back to then and tell myself a few things it would be to remind myself that:

Illness does NOT mean weakness, it shows strength and carrying on through.

No one dictates how you feel about your body except you, so give yourself a talking to!

Take control of what you CAN. Use makeup, use fashion but use it to present yourself, not conceal yourself.

Your body is a bloody amazing thing and deserves a little love: have some pride in it

Remember that there are ALWAYS people that appreciate your body even more than you do. We live in a world where 'the grass is always on the other side' but as much as you might want her waist, his abs, that jawline, someone wants your figure, your legs, your wavy hair...I could go on.

This doesn't just apply to me though! Body confidence effects everyone, male, female, 'skinny', 'curvy', every body shape and every age and every gender at some point in our lives we don't think we're good enough. Why? Because we compare. I'm not just talking about going onto Instagram and seeing Victoria Secret models though, or watching Love Island and deciding you need to look like them to be 'attractive'. I really hope there are men reading this too because it's so important we include men in this issue. Not only with the mental health stats being released but also just to realise that men feel a pressure to have bodies that conform to societies norms just as much as we do. Comparison is something everyone does, even subconsciously. It covers looking at old photos of yourself, seeing your closest friends achieving their body 'goals' while your body isn't changing at the same rate. Don't align your standards of achievement to others: they're individual and your body is individual. So please show it the love it deserves.

I know this post has been a bit of a low key TED talk so thank you for sticking with me - it's something that means a lot to me and although it's personal I just feel like it's something that needs to be talked about so much more, ESPECIALLY in relation to IBD and Crohn's because I often feel like the mental impacts of a chronic illness are side-passed a little in place of physical problems.

Stay around till Sunday for Part 2 about 2018 onwards - everything started looking up in that time for me so it'll be a lovely, uplifting Sunday night read for both people with IBD and anyone whose ever struggled with poor body image. Thank you so much for reading guyss means the world, really.

XXX

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