What about the boys? A 'post Valentine's' take on self care and empowerment...
- Imogen
- Feb 17, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 15, 2019
[DISCLAIMER - the image used as a cover is not mine nor do I own the rights to it]
[Disclaimer no.2 - this can be a controversial topic so I've tried to keep my personal views out of it but as this is my first time writing on issues like this please let me know your thoughts via the comments or a direct message to me! Thanks]
Last night (meaning Thursday) I was having some post Valentine's Day thoughts - specifically the fact I was actually feeling quite empowered by the notion of being single on Valentine's. Which I thought was odd but, when you think about it, there's almost more "anti - Valentine's" posts and campaigns than there are romantic ones?
Still, why is it seemingly easier for women to be single on valentines day than men? Social media definitely plays a big part in it. We can go onto Instagram and see a thousand posts about treating yourself; not needing a romantic relationship to feel loved; self recognition. The idea of self care is extended to indulgence: it's okay to be selfish on Valentine's Day. It's an excuse to "treat yourself like a queen because no one else will". But, what about the boys? Is all this adding up to a toxic, man hating attitude?
What do I mean by 'man-hating'?
Female empowerment is one incredible and beautiful thing, but what I've realised is that, in the media, there's a very fine line between self appreciation and supporting the collective objective that is 'the independent woman is on a par with the independent man' and the prominently widening concept of 'man hating'. This idea that positive female energy becomes negative energy towards all the single straight guys out there, regardless of action or consequence. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should treat all men like they look and act like Ryan Reynolds with his family, *heart melts* but if one guy does one thing it doesn't mean another will do exactly the same.
A controversial viewpoint would even be to stretch this further to imply that we're now seeing a role reversal where women are almost encouraged to do what we criticised men for: hence the term "man eater". I did a little research and lo and behold here we have the urban dictionary definition (a most reliable source of knowledge, I know):
"The female equivalent to the more male-associated words like pimp or player. An irresistible woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain -- be it sexual, financial or psychological."
I don't want to cloud this post with my personal views but I believe women should be able to do as they please and be encouraged to create their own happiness regardless of their relationship status, but not at the expense of men? Just as much as we can say things like "boys will be boys ey" but not at the expense of women? Feminism works both ways.
Everything female about empowerment and self love
The power of females supporting females. That's what female empowerment is. Coming together to embrace ideas of identity through independence, confidence, personal style and self worth beyond what your face looks like at 8 am with no makeup on. Embracing attitude; self made women. Emma Watson, Michelle Obama? Using their public power to do incredible things. Ariana Grande '7 rings' and Destiny's Child 'Independent woman'? Celebrating financial independence. Demi Lovato 'Confident' and Ari again with 'Thank u, next'? Self appreciation without men whilst still valuing them - "I'm so f*cking grateful for my ex" is a perfect example of what I'm coming through with here. The best kind of empowering attitude. *insert clapping hands emoji*
Then we have self love out of good self care.
I LOVE self care. It's so important and it's something I've only discovered in the last year or two thanks to this huge rise in its presence on social media. I'm talking about self appreciation: taking time to yourself, throwing on a face mask, running a nice hot bath, candles, yoga, maybe some meditation, writing lists of what you love about yourself or what you're grateful for.
Now step back a second. That's what you typically associate with 'self care', right? Why are they all so feminine? Is self love not applicable for men?
Why doesn't self care include men - is it even advertised?
Now, due to the fact I am in fact a heterosexual white female (SURPRISE...I have a fashion blog for christ's sake what else would I be haha) I can't really speak for the male 18 - 30 generation. I can guess at most. Maybe you don't know what self care is and what it actually means? Maybe it's just not manly to put your needs first and look after yourself? Maybe toxic masculinity is still around? I can't read minds. So, I tried to get the internet to prove me wrong, if you like. I did some research and this is what I found:
If you type 'male self care' into Pinterest, you get approximately 2 pins on "self indulgent activities for men", a few "top hygiene tips for men" and quite a lot about dealing with depression, mental health and suicide? I wouldn't call that encouraging self worth.
If you Google the same, there are actually quite a few articles on it, as well as a few 'self care checklists'. When I went to look at these lists though (my google search history now looks like a very sexually confused person) it includes thing like "Get a facial", "treat yourself to a professional close shave" or "keep a journal" and "read for pleasure".
My point is, self care seems to have become gendered. To the point that we haven't even considered the fact that giving these lists to most heterosexual men would quite possibly make them feel like Joey in Friends when he went and got his eyebrows waxed: aka uncomfortable and embarrassed.
At the same time as all of this is apparent, we know that right now male mental health is at the forefront of everyone's news feed. Sadly, that only takes a 3 second google before you're hit with all the statistics you need to know that it's a growing issue. So, isn't it time we made a little room for this? Found some things guys could actually do for self care without feeling like they have to sacrifice their masculinity? As much as an aloe-vera face mask makes me feel like a brand new version of myself - I don't think many guys my age would say the same...
XXX
If you felt affected by any of this content or simply want to know more about how to help yourself, male or female, I've linked a few sites below. Thanks for reading.
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